God, 

I hate men...

You’re not that nice...

Do you know you’re not that nice? 

I feel safe around you, please protect me. 

Do you know that you are so messed up? 

Emotionally stunted bastard

You purposely don’t say things to manipulate

How deceiving. 

I’m always forthcoming 

Hold me close, to your chest

And you’re cold, 

You make the world meaner

And trust nothing 

Fight like a teenage boy

Hold me while I need to cry

And you’re hiding something 

You say nothing 

Apologize for nothing 

Get mad, at what is nothing 

I never want to make you feel upset

You take everything I say too seriously 

Lighten up

Soften up 

Why are you being like this? 

All I want is to be myself. 

So I can make you smile. 

You’re so expressionless 

One-minded 

Unreadable 

Unreachable 

You’re the most fascinating person to me

I annoy you

I daydream 

I dated too much

Had too many men

I’m a baby

If you ever called me lovely, I’d never stop smiling. 

I’m lovable as I am

I am smart 

And good enough

And worth it 

And your insults break me

You make me want to be better

According to you 

I overshare 

Over say

Over do

Over text 

Too many words 

Too much caring 

You know too much. 

I ache to know the worst parts of you. To hear where you’re weak. So, I can hold you, let you know it’s all ok, everything about you is ok. You’re safe being flaws and all with me. 

If you even knew what you do to me. 

How you have me at soul

And broke me to ashes

Your voice

Your stories

Your movements 

Your words 

Your presence 

Thinking of you

Everything

Stops me

Stopped. 

I wish I could have kept you. 

I wish I could have loved you instead of been nervous 

And didn’t run away to Savannah when I realized you never wanted me near you. 

All I thought about while there was how much I wished you were there with me.

I wish you wanted me to fight for you 

I wish I didn’t have to pretend I didn’t want you, so I could keep you.

I wish I knew why I made you so angry 

Or annoyed you so much

I wish every sign was real and not made up in my head

I wish you could have fallen in love, and I changed how your world turned

I wish you could call me a dumb dumb one more time

Or shared another song

Told me how to solve a problem

Made fun of me 

Shared about your lock

Or your loss 

Your books by your bedside

You, anything...

I wish I didn’t miss everything from the Zaps,

to the Braves, to the pestering me about moving, to your calm at one moment, and anger at the next...and hardly texting first, seeming apathetic...

Wishing you were just testing me. 

And that the lyrics you sent me—Which made my heart beat—Were true. 

I wish I could have been what made you happy. 

I want you so happy. 

To laugh 

To smile

To relax 

And feel ok

And safe 

And to know that I am ok 

With your resentment towards your family

Conspiracy theories

Social anxiety 

Video gaming

Selfish thinking

Substance weakness 

Past mistakes 

Family run business 

Intense standards 

Pushing away 

Logical decisions 

Immature fighting 

Deficit in expressing empathy

Avoidant attachment 

Lack of cause and effect thinking 

Critical nature

technology hacking 

Secret Privacy violation 

Incorrect assumptions about my nature, my past, my independence…

And really basically all of who I am. You so didn’t know me, or want to know me.

and I still would stay, always stay. Because when one has me—which no one ever can get me—they have me.

Because I see you at you. You’re you. 

You’ve Got something no one else has

You’ve lost something 

You’re insecure about something 

And you’re protecting something in you. 

I see all of you. 

I just wish you were capable of seeing me at me. 

All of me. 

But, you’re blind to it...

Which makes me so incredibly sad, 

Because I am—Especially when it comes to the way I feel for you—

Am as lovely as they come.