NOV 16

WRITTEN BY MELISSA HOLM

Maybe to love you would have been a privilege

But to love me was too.

And some of it, just wasn’t right

So I acted for me instead of you.

You did too.

To survive I think.

I understood what you needed to do. I think

I sometimes wonder, what would have happened if we were in a healthier state

Would this still have been the fate?

If my sister’s, wasn’t an abusive home

If I could have actually been myself

Instead of survival self

If I hadn’t gone on another date, because you didn’t pursue…

If I hadn’t been raped.

If I didn’t have suspicions, I had been taped.

If you had taken me on an actual date?

And if it didn’t give me so much anxiety to not text you.

He’ll protect you.

And at that moment, I, just all things, I didn’t know what to do.

But, I did trust you.

And I sometimes still think about you.

I guess you do too.

Because you found me.

On the only social media I didn’t block.

your name hit me like a rock.

I wonder if you know, your friend took 100 dollars from me.

I paid him, so I could know the health of you.

This is 100% true.

Did you tell him with me to be gentle

Or did you say: “she’s mental”

I wonder if you know.

What I know.

What I figured out about you.

It don’t matter though.

But, I wonder what you know.

I wonder if this thing I feel was actually true.

I don’t think you understood how much I could feel you.

For such a long time.

And still oddly sometimes

Perhaps I’m crazy

It’s all kind of hazy

But this much is true.

I did, in reality, actually love you.

And just so you know,

I’ve had an energetic shift in me

Over you.

And sometimes I do this

Write poetry

Master the flow of me.

Grow in me.

I know me.

Go ahead and gaslight any mental health condition you want to throw at me.

As if I don’t know me.

I’ve got ADHD.

And I’m an HSP

And my EQ is above average.

Bro, who tried to throw Bipolar at me.

Saying to yourself maybe:

“I don’t have to look at me, if I project on her: insanity.”

oh and man did he…

I’ve learned if I complain

Blame

Shame

Say your name

You’ll never recognize it.

Why disguise it?

You never said anything

I’ll say everything.

I wonder which has more sting?

Leave people in unresolve

Does your maturity in relationships evolve?

As every one you had has dissolved?

Oh yes, you don’t care about me

Do I give you just a profound sense of apathy?

Yes, you’re above me

What about empathy?

Where is that in you for me?

It’s something I didn’t see.

Gives you an artificial sense of power, I think

Watch me live and not blink.

Here’s a little wink.

I lived through all of what you didn’t want to think

After you washed your hands of me in the sink.

But of what I give  to the world: Shhhh between you and me?

I’ve got the greater energy.

Karmic Synergy

How often do you think of me?

Of what you did to me?

Have you seen me live?

Give?

Forgive?

What did you do?

Ignoring isn’t power

It’s cower

It’s weakness

Artificial meekness

You may think it’s all ok

but, with all strength and honesty: If you want to clear up what haunts you from me:

You will have to talk to me

Stop watching me

Return what belongs to me.

Apologize to me.

Stand face to face with me.

Say what needs be.

Do you not see?

How much of a coward you are to me

Grow up

Match me

Show up for me.

You find me

If not, you’re never what I thought you could be.

What I could be?

Look at me

I’ll let it be.

If you can’t

Then you ARE cowardly.

Screw practicality

One plane ticket

Some trust

A hotel

And a bucket of dust

Some lust

What’s that in the grand scheme of all your money.

I already came to you

You come for me honey.

No, I don’t need back my energy

I’m high frequency

It doesn’t phase me, I just have it there:

I’ve got plenty to spare

And whatever thing you want to cringe at

Know, I’m aware.

And I really don’t care.

I’m not part of that.

Not controlled by that.

I can share myself with the world pretty honestly, and people still absolutely love me.

Are you still above me?

I don’t have to hide a god damn thing

Not a single feeling

I hide nothing

Guess who decides what I do? Oh, I do.

At the end, who was the losing fool?

Was it me?

Or was it you?

All I know is I tried to make peace with you.

Took ownership of most of what I didn’t do.

What was absolutely you, and your friend too.

Your projection

Remember how you told me you’re the only one who gives rejection?

What company to keep.

Made a vulnerable girl weep

Such noble men

Do women think you’re a ten?

But, what does it matter, because women are evil right?

Always manipulating with some ulterior plight?

When I questioned how silly MGWO was

You said I was being a bitch that night.

When I questioned your divorce statistics instead of just agreeing that you were right?

That makes me a bitch right?

But, I guess you didn’t actually know me.

So bitch, to you, I’ll be.

What about when you called me a cunt?

So honest, so blunt.

That gave you every right to call me a cunt.

You and Sam, such alphas, on a witch hunt.

Pretend it’s me and not you with the emotional stunt.

That I deserved the force of your brunt

Is this too much for you to confront?

Or am I just being a cunt?

What about your character?

Such a nice guy

is there anything your family couldn’t buy?

Was it charity when you told me you felt sorry for me?

called me a baby.

Told me you’d been through so much worse than me.

Shamed the verse in me.

Tried to make it sound like I was crazy?

As you lied to me.

Manipulated my sleep meds from me.

Showed me normal lab results as if I was dumb?

Sent Sam to do your dirty work as you turned numb.

When I was trying to extrapolate the truth,

told me it made you angry that you I didn’t care about you.

For you, at the time, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do.

But you were cruel to me.

Did you even care?

Remember, I was there.

Oh yes, look after only you,

That’s your philosophy

You can escape me.

It was easy.

But, it’s ok, you’re happy right?

Good for you. How amazing it must be to sleep soundly at night.

after what you did to me.

What you did to me?

am I not seeing my part clearly through?

Honestly, what did I do to you?

Do you still have my paintings?

My wreath?

Still up with your Christmas tree?

For Halie?

Remember Emery? My Dog.

Here’s one from my memory log:

told you I held her and did softly sing

then spoke about Halie and how you missed her as much as you missed anything.

That must be where my love started to spring.

Your losses sat in me heavy, more than everything.

I loved you so much.

I never even felt your touch

And I loved you so much.

I wonder how right my intuition can be?

How’s my Profound memory?

Remember the night, without knowing, we both had spaghetti?

But you know, you contradicted yourself

You believe in love at first sight

But then called mine, after a year, and after I told you that: I was kidding myself.

Look at all your wealth?

You know that’s what Sam told me right?

That you had some powerful people behind you, so I better not fight.

A mild threaten

No that’s not why I didn’t go to court.

Tell me, what’s true for you?

You sent me the first picture you saw of me, and told me how it did something to you.

Pretend it’s not true.

Pretend that wasn’t you.

I still remember July 20th, 2020.

Isn’t that funny?

Was that a Cruel Summer?

Was my presence such a bummer

I mean, to you I broke my own heart

So, I’ll pretend that’s the truth

Take ownership of my own “delusional” part

But, I did hurt you, you told me.

How bold of me.

you go on and Keep staring at my beautiful works of art.

One I made from my soul for you

Oh that wreath too.

Try to find someone else to paint just for you, like it do. Did. Then.

There’s no way you don’t have that painting still.

Could you give it away? How could you?

I’ve seen it. I created it.

It was about you. I knew what I knew about what that painting would do.

That painting WAS you. You must still have you, because how couldn’t you?

Pretend that’s not true.

Pretend you didn’t push me around

Remember your bird chirping smoke alarm sound?

My red nightgown?

I tell you, my memory is profound

When I asked for help to put up my painting

And you told me I was a big girl and I could do it.

Told me I am the one who blew it.

You were so mean, and I knew it.

Why?

Why did it not bother you when I cry? Why? God damn it why?

No…I was there

You did care.

I’m aware.

And I theorize why you added me.

Some form of triangulation between and you and your girly?

You probably didn’t follow her, but she could see, how you chose to follow me.

The name of the painting on your wall.

I’m paying attention to it all

Her social media: She either blocked me or deleted it all. Because she’s no longer on your Facebook wall.

I wonder what went on with you all?

I was either a catalyst to your relationship fall

Or you found me, as a result of your squall

And now, I extend you some grace.

Because that night when we sat at the table and I saw the pain in your face.

My memories retrace.

Now, I switch to the perspective of you.

Imagine what you went through.

What motivated you.

What was happening? I’ll recount as I remember and guess what I know.

I still have a hard time not remembering

You had tears almost dangling

pain under your disguise.

In Your eyes.

Those eyes…

And I can remember

And pretend that somehow that night, you didn’t somehow know I was crying.

Pretend that I am lying.

When you said you were sobbing.

Let me give you a list of songs that can’t erase

I associate with that face

I’ll extend you some grace

As my memories retrace

I’ll extend you some grace.

I’ll let go of that space

As my memories retrace

I’ll forget and replace

Hurt you never gave place

My love turned to waste

I’ll extend you some grace

As I remember that place

The anguish on your face

What was on mine?

Did you pine?

But…

I’ll remember that space

I’ll extend you some grace

Because you’re happy

And with contempt

I hope you’re happy

And with sincerity

I hope you’re happy.

And with my own personal clarity

As a more grownup me

I do hope you’re happy.

But more I wish for me:

I hope I’m happy.

As I’ve chosen to be.

And, got I hate it, but I feel you energetically

At this moment: I’m Frozen from your memory

How could you do that to me?

I guess I should take responsibility.

How could I have loved someone who did that to me?

I guess the the blame isn’t you, but it was me.

So, I guess I’ll let go, of what you never let be.

And you said I was just a nuisance

So you won’t care if I get my two cents.

But it really really hurt me

it was real for me.

You could at least say you’re sorry.

Instead you just go on TikTok and follow me.

I’ll tell you what, I’ll say again that I’m  lovely.

You should have loved me.

Because look at what you helped me be

I’m an unstoppable, independent, whole, stable me.

And you may argue, people who believe something, don’t say it.

Now, I disagree.

Because you weren’t smarter than me.

And you can’t disagree, look at me:

I’m lovely.

And i dialogue in my head: it was limerence

He’s showed you complete indifference.

But, let’s be honest. It was real. I loved you. And I remember, you at first sight of my picture: you loved me.

And now…

You have nothing to say.

You told me you would never talk to me again: A power play

You gave me away.

you gave it away.

I could write two stories to explain my perspective of narrative. To explain the level of grace I’d give. Using the facts

Let’s talk about the heroine of your story.

I’m sorry, did I spell that wrong?

Heroin

Did you win?

Is that why you didn’t let me in?

Remember you felt it important to correct me on that spelling the same night you kicked me out,

And I stayed at a hotel, I had no where to go.

Because you see, my sister’s was an abusive home.

But, you told me to get out and go.

Why? I don’t remember. What was it though?

Is anger the only emotion that you know?

You were always suspicious that I had some ulterior ego.

I didn’t though.

I was just really needing to be loved.

I was sad.

I was scared.

Was this pathetic to you?

All this text for you

Do you know too much now too.

About me to you

Or do you sometimes dream that you had ever felt my touch?

Did you go to rehab after and such?

Was ever repairing things with me just a little too much?

I was too much?

Do you remember that one time you told me that I was very pretty

Does it make you feel great that something this pretty

has your pity.

Viva la vida

I listen and I think of you. That gave me some more insight into you.

“Once you’d gone it was never an honest word”

I wonder what I could teach you, about integrity. Treat you with love and longevity. Would you teach me about brevity?

What did you teach me? I laugh at myself: not brevity

Do you know if Saint Peter won’t call your name?

I will, after your maim

After me, were you the same?

Was I just a pawn in your chess game?

Do you still think you ruled the world?

Not for someone like this girl.

I have this weird memory

It sticks with me…

Of what we could be.

I remember with such accuracy

I stood in your kitchen

As you walked close to me

I dropped pizza

And dropped to the floor awkwardly

Internally, you smiled at me

Which flooded me

With happiness I guess you didn’t see.

Like my awkwardness was endearing to you.

Like I had some meaning to you.

…

I get it now,

That’s why you added me.

Some silly game you play with your girlfriend

Did that relationship come to an end?

Because she’s either blocked you, or she’s blocked me.

But, you know.

I know how you fight.

She’s the one who made you that Cardinal clay right?

Melissa, why do you care? Right now, why do I you care?

Because something has been left unresolved there.

And I have to accept he wasn’t as great as he could be.

Because he cowardly left this unresolved with me.

So I guess the only one whose love was a privilege, was in fact: just me.

And you had me.

The past is frozen

It’s just there: no repair.

And right now, I’m just frozen.

At the sad memory that sits there.

And since you won’t talk to me: I’ll just share.

Take it out of me, and put it out in the air.

Because I made me lovely

You weren’t there.

You really hurt me

You’re aware

You could repair

But, Instead you just watch me

And sit there.

I’m aware.

And if you came to me sincerely

With remorse about what you did to me.

I’d honor what I hurt on you.

Which I have before

Despite your ignore

And I would be, as I more naturally am: quite gentle.

And just remember fondly what was once you and me and wax sentimental

And let it be.

And let you forgive me.

Because I get I’m imperfect and hard one to fight.

I know I didn’t do everything right.

After, if you wish, I would close the door

And finally accept there’s nothing more.

I’d help you cut our cord on your bad karmic cycle

so it doesn’t recycle.

Because I actually do want you happy.

That’s the Melissa in that black and white photo, that always was me.