July 19, 2021

tomorrow is the anniversary of your father’s death.

I can’t handle sometimes how much I want to hold and heal that pain in your heart. 

I’ll never get to

You grieve him 

I’ll grieve you

Still 

I pick up on things. 

Everything. 

You spent so much time testing if I’ll  always be true. 

5 months, no words. 

I still feel you. 

Still 

But, I’ve spent some time healing me in the process. 

You know that 400 dollars 

I needed that to survive…

But I played a game. 

I know that now. 

And I am so sorry. Instead of wallow; I took what you taught me and changed. I now make about 8 times that money in one week. 

I stepped up my game

For me…

But maybe because you taught me. 

I’m a complete blonde again. I know you like brown. But, I like blonde. 

So, you would just have to like me: blonde. 

And you would have to work on things, and let me talk to you: and believe what I say. 

Because I always state what I know to be true. 

I never have kind of ever deceived you. 

I have a two bedroom: my place; my own. It’s luxury. Granite counters, crown moldings and everything. So, you can’t just take that from me: having a place to live with safety. 

You took that from me. You’ll need to eventually own and express remorse for that. Not now though. It wouldn’t stop me. From forgiving you. 

Eventually you would have to admit that to ruin this thing: it came from actions from two: you didn’t understand me and I didn’t get you. 

And let’s be honest; you weren’t completely honest. 

But, if I knew…the things I said that were curt: would hurt. I would never say them. 

And I’m not always right. 

But, I never assume I am right; I just put information out in the world to see if I am right. 

Most of the time I am. 

I’ll stop on that now. 

If you can’t understand me now. 

You won’t ever. 

But, I’ll tell you: I’m clever. 

And clear…

And I don’t always know best. 

There’s this guy…

He calls me Anne

And if fate allowed I could love him.

I know I could, with all and everything, because that’s how I am. 

And if I did love him; I would never look back. 

But, I’ve never felt anyone the way I felt you. 

That’s true. 

If soulmates were true: it’d be you. 

But, I guess they’re not. 

So, maybe this man, who calls me Anne 

Is my plan.

He’s so damn smart; I can tell. 

And he loves and takes it seriously and protects. 

And takes it all as seriously as me. 

So maybe I’ll let him love me: eventually. 

If soulmates aren’t real; which is what I always believed anyway…

Until I met you 

Now, I question what I thought was true. 

But, I know…that I’ve sent too many texts that won’t go through. 

So it would be up to you 

If soulmates were true. 

But they’re not; which is what I always believed 

until I met you. 

But, if they were: I’d forgive you. 

But, if they were: I’d restart slow 

But, if they were: I would let you tell me slowly the things I should know. 

But, they’re not. So, I made tomorrow the date that I would absolutely know: I’d have to let you go. 

I’m ready; I’ll be fine. No, I’ll be sad to my soul at a place where I again find another place to really let you go. 

And let me tell you: 

I’d forgive you. 

But soulmates aren’t real, so I’ll never get to.